2021: Journey into the Unknown
Like so many of you, I usually start a new year with resolutions. I like to set one goal for each category, health/fitness, personal, and professional growth. In Jan 2020, I did not make any resolutions. I was feeling good about everything. Emotionally, I was in a space I had not been in a decade — my heart and mind went through a cleanse in 2019; I was rejuvenated, energized, and most importantly, open. Professionally, I had clarity on what I wanted to do for the next phase of my career. I didn’t set any goals, as I was confident 2020 would be my best year. And then 2020 happened.
We all had a challenging year, some more than others. I’ve been lucky not to have lost a loved one or face financial uncertainty, even though Covid derailed my career plans. I kept myself busy, working for a few non-profits and then on the Presidential Election. But when the “second wave” came after Thanksgiving, and the mayor announced another stay-at-home order, it hit me pretty hard. Seeing the vacant outdoor dining structures that once had made the streets vibrant during the pandemic felt gut-wrenching. The emptiness that I saw outside reflected the emptiness I was feeling within. It finally occurred to me that this feeling of void was loneliness.
I’ve been single most of my life, and as an introvert, I enjoy living alone. I have plenty of close friends, some here and some overseas. I make quite a few trips every year, including international trips, one of which is to India. Since the start of the pandemic, I haven’t been more than 20 miles away from my home. I’ve tried to stay connected with friends over the phone or Zoom and have seen only a few friends in-person. Even in a normal year, I don’t particularly like dating. So after a few awkward video dates, I gave up on dating apps. I could never figure out how to create a bubble, mainly because I didn’t want to restrict myself to seeing only one family. I haven’t experienced human touch in nine months — no hugs from friends, no kisses on the cheeks, no holding of hands. Added to this were the non-interaction with people in the community, with smiles hidden behind the masked faces.
This year has been a lonely year for many - from young kids at home to the elderly and everyone in-between. Loneliness is a strange emotion. You can be alone and not feel it, and you can feel lonely in a crowd. There are many layers to this deep well of emptiness. It is hard to tell which layer someone is in. Regardless extend your hand and let your loved ones know you are there. I did and found many hands to grab to pull myself up.
As 2021 begins, my only goal for the year is to reach the same state of mind as I was when 2020 started. It is intentionally vague. Maybe I’ll lose the 10 lbs I gained this year, or maybe I’ll accept my body at any weight. Maybe I’ll find the balance between fulfillment and intellectual stimulation, and it may or may not be tied to my career. Who knows. The year 2021, like this year, will be a journey into the unknown. Though one thing is for sure, I will be giving longer hugs when hugging is back in style.
